PLAY IT AGAIN (and again), SAM!
I'm just an undiagnosed and unmedicated ADHD girl asking to hear 'Sunset' by Caroline Polachek until someone yells at me to turn it off
In an interview buried deep, unable to be pulled from the SEO rubble that blocks any Google search combos nowadays, Lady Gaga once explained that when she finds a song she loves, she has to listen to it on repeat. She has to live and breathe each element. She has to soak in it, bathing until her fingers morph into prunes.
When I watched it years ago, I was gobsmacked like, “Oh my gosh, Gaga and I are one.”
I am on my way to writing something as speculator as ‘Bad Romance’. It’s happening.
Aside from our similarity, a bemusement came. Doesn’t everyone sometimes need to stop what they are doing, put on a particular song, play it on repeat, and then go back about their business?
To illustrate, ‘You’re On Your Own, Kid’ by Taylor Swift, from her tenth studio album ‘Midnights’, came out on 21st October last year. By the end of the year, just over two months later, it appeared in the number five slot in my top-played song of 2022. For extra context, I have an line of 2022’s top track, Self Esteem’s ‘I Do This All The Time’, tattooed on my forearm; one of my best ever decisions.
Apparently, I do this not because I’m a creative genius on my way to becoming an international superstar but because I probably have ADHD (a condition that Gaga has been diagnosed with). Earlier this week, Nic Keaney of Pink News tweeted about how this behaviour could be explained as life with the condition, which is largely ignored in women for myriad reasons, mainly good old-fashioned medical misogyny!
According to my extensive Googling, the only option I have while biding my time on an NHS waiting list, is a lack of dopamine mainly characterises ADHD. Your brain can’t give you enough, which manifests in mood swings, poor concentration and other issues I deal with daily.
While I await confirmation of what I, my family history, and everyone else around me tell me, believing this is like a weight off my narrow little shoulders. I’m not an idiot who can’t do anything; I’m battling against my neurological chemistry (unconfirmed but deffo).
This being true or not (which it is), it is also incredibly unhelpful to pathologise every little thing you do. Like, not everything is a sign of a condition, sometimes, it is because humans are silly little creatures with silly little habits, and we do them despite having a problem producing brain chemicals or not (I do). Seriously, if I become a twee ADHD content creator on Instagram Reels, someone hurl my head down the toilet.
Rest assured; this isn’t going to happen because as much I love to post, my attention span capacity does not lend itself to tasks like video editing or anything… While an essential part of my week, writing these newsletters is torture enough, and funnily enough, I can only bully myself a bit.
Whilst I’m sympathetic to them, the infographic goblins, and admit they have helped me, but boy, when the mental health professional I was dealing with suggested my problems (being convinced I had a personality disorder) could come from this particular brand of neurodivergence, I groaned, putting my head in my hands, because I didn’t want this to be my whole thing, you know.
To be clear, these tech parasites have built successful social media companies by encouraging the use of the worst parts of our personalities, which can manifest in labelling it ableist to tip the courier bringing your shopping or arguing with literal 13-year-olds (if you don’t understand this, congrats you probably are not an undiagnosed ADHD chronically online freelance journalist medicating with Twitter)
Despite the annoying online patter, in all varieties, knowing that my struggles could come from something wired in my brain and not like, I don’t know, willful incompetence has been a personal revolution. Like, oh, you are suddenly furiously bored because your brain is drained of good mood capabilities. It’ll come back any minute now… (and it does).
A tried and tested route to trick myself into a peppy state is through music, which, again, tends to be the same songs on repeat. A tenement of my journalism is that pop culture is supposed to be fun, a supplement to the toil of life, but I do wish I dove into new music more effortlessly and less hesitant to new things. Instead, I don’t function if I don’t listen to the ‘All Too Well (Ten Minute Version)’ five times daily, which takes up nearly an hour. I could be listening to literally anything else.
Armed with an Apple Music subscription and a WiFi connection, I have the entire music history at my fingertips. Instead of fully taking it in, I cannot stop playing ‘Not Strong Enough’ by boygenius.
Yes, it is a perfect concoction of jangly guitar and witty, self-deprecating lyrics, but there’s so much more out there. Do I want it? No, I’m too busy marvelling at how Phoebe Bridgers, Julien Baker and Lucy Dacus’ talent and friendship merge to create aural euphoria.
I’m also so grateful to be living in the age of Jack Antonoff’s particular ability to scratch that itch in my brain; I wish I possessed the patience to find more that satisfies that itch. However, shout out to my new best friend, ‘There’s a Tunnel Under Ocean Boulevard’.
I do uncover into other music. If it’s not apparent, I’m being dramatic. I keep challenging myself to put new albums on, and I have unearthed some of my new favourites, like CMAT and whatever else my travels have led me to. However, sometimes, I’ll be listening to an album I’ve never heard before and be compelled to stop to warble out, “YOU CALL ME UP JUST LIKE TO BREAK ME LIKE A PROMISE”.
A non-exhaustive list of other songs I could put on for hours and not get bored of (proven)
‘The Best Day’ by Taylor Swift
‘American Pie’ by Don McLean
‘I’ve Got You Under My Skin’ by Frank Sinatra
‘Sunset’ by Caroline Polachek
‘Fuck Tha Police’ by NWA
‘Moody’ by Self Esteem
‘Biscuits’ by Kacey Musgraves
‘Here You Come Again’ by Dolly Parton
‘Evacuate the Dancefloor’ by Cascada
‘My Shot’ by Original Hamilton Broadway cast
Further reading that helped me understand neurodivergence in anyone who isn’t a white man.
Fern Brady’s memoir, ‘Strong Female Character’ , which centres the autism diagnosis she got in her 30s
Chante Jay’s Guardian Pop Culture podcast episode, ‘Can pop culture do ADHD (Spoiler: No)’
Adrian Chiles on this podcast and this Guardian column, titled, ‘I Met A Man From an ADHD charity and it was like meeting myself. Ideas, thoughts and half-thoughts just tumbled out’ (broke my own rules but he is the best)