I hate how much I love the Barbie movie

Greta Gerwig might have sold out, but I think it was worth it ya know....

Me when I realise I’m an adult who feels nothing but sheer affection for a children’s toy

The other day, I asked my friend Gina what she thought of Greta Gerwig’s ‘Barbie’, prompting her to dive into her well-founded belief it was a cynical marketing exercise, hellbent on pinkwashing the Mattel brand and sell the shit out of a plastic doll to impressionable children. This is a well-founded and reasonable belief, but it's an argument I don’t care about! The year's highest-grossing film is significant to me, and today, I watched it for the charming third time. 

After my first viewing, I could not reconcile my affection with my anti-capitalist beliefs. How could I, someone who yells ‘IT’S CAPITALISM, STUPID!” every time my mum complains about something on the phone, feel this swelling in my heart like I’m the Grinch after he stole Christmas? However, I’m just a girl. Sometimes, (not all the time), I’m just not strong enough, too human, to not fall for the hot pink allure of Barbara Millicent Roberts.

The perhaps too eerily self-aware Margot Robbie-leading picture is not one I can review with any sense of critical or professional credibility. As I type these words out, I want to throw myself off a cliff, but Barbie, the brand, is essential to me, a foundational text to my being, lore etched into my fingertips. I didn’t ask for my hand-me-down Barbies as a child (this is probably a lie), but I got them. Honestly, buy me a pint, and I’ll tell you all my beloved collection and be entirely bored with the extent of what a Barbie spoiled brat I was. 

Wishing away my love hasn’t worked. However, cutting myself some slack has been vital because I would allow any of my friends to feel any way they want about something they loved as kids. Marvel fans, while Martin Scorsese should continue to aim at you, I am pretty jealous you get all those comics brought to life. You are very eye-rolling, and I’m not asking for a Mattle cinematic universe because none of their IPs, not even Uno, possess the significance of Barbie. 

Barbie, essential to me and every cell inside my 5’2 body, is also a toy with history; it followed the women’s movement and captured a pop culture essence that other things could only dream of. A POLLY POCKET MOVIE WILL NEVER HAVE THE CACHE (even with Lena Dunham at the helm).  

Barbie is a toy that gives you just enough push in the right direction to allow you to completely rewrite the rules, both in childhood and in adulthood. 

4-year-old Clara would have thrown an almighty tantrum to get into this taxi

While attempting to wear a bit of a journalist/review hat on while my inner child takes the wheel this week, it is very frustrating that KEN is the star of the show. Ken is an optional part of the play. He is a doll that someone buys you as a present, and you don’t really care about him because the idea you’re going to spend your hard-earned pocket money/Christmas/Birthday present on things for KEN is laughable. I had a Ken, another cast-off from my sister, and he was clearly bought by someone who thought it was very funny that he was called SHAVING KEN, which meant if you put his face under the hot tap, he’d get a 5 o’clock shadow. By the time he landed in my possession, he’d lost his trousers, and there was not a chance in hell I’d waste any resources on getting him any more. After a while, his head popped off, and I was uninterested in rectifying the problem. BIGGER FISH TO FRY!!!!!!!

However, Ryan Gosling is such A GODDAMN MOVIE STAR! On another day, I will do a breakdown of how he is modern-day Cary Grant, but he is so good, like painfully, perfect. 

PUT THAT MANLY HAND IN MINE!!!!!!